My Testimony (I was 35 yrs old. I’m now 38 yrs)
I opened my eyes to see several doctors and nurses huddled around me. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but my chest and ribs really hurt. A couple of the nurses were crying. One of the nurses said to me, “You flat lined twice. We had to perform CPR and shock you back to life. You are very blessed to be alive. You just had two massive heart attacks.” From that moment my life had changed. I felt so scared, terrified, and depressed. Who was going to take care of my kids if I didn’t get better? How could this be happening to me? Why me? All of these questions started racing through my head and at that second I felt so alone.
Prior to my heart attacks, my wife, of 16 years, and I were going threw a nasty divorce. After ten years of sobriety, I started drinking and taking prescription medication. I felt like my life was upside down. I moved in with my Mom, little brother and my niece. I threw myself into my work. I was a store manager and was managing one store and opening up another. My daily routine would consist of working 15 to 17 hours a day and then going to the sports bar across the street from my work. I would spend hours and hours there.
As time went on, my drinking became worse. My health was getting really bad also. My liver counts were really high, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was extremely high, and I gained around 50 pounds. To top it off, I had beginning stages of cirrhosis of the liver. In this drunken and poor state, I decided to start looking for a girlfriend. I found myself dating a lot of different women and it didn’t matter if they had a boyfriend or even married. I knew that I needed someone in my life. At that time I thought it was a women, but boy was I wrong.
One of my close friends said to me, “You are not boyfriend material.” In my mind, I honestly thought that I was. I was a store manager of a multi-million dollar company and drove a Mercedes. I was moving out of my Mom’s house and my daughter and son were going to live with me. I was still dating four or five woman all at once; two of them were even married. I was also drinking more and more. Then one day I came in contact with what I thought was my soul mate. She was my first love in high school. I thought that this was God wanting us to be together. This just didn’t happen by accident.
The next few months I dropped all of the other women. My high school sweetheart and I were getting serious. She was living at her dad’s house with her two kids. So I had a brilliant idea, I would move them into my house with my kids. We would be one big happy family. We also decided to get married the following summer. The only reason we were going to wait was that she was going through a nasty divorce. That should have been a huge red flag. Another problem I had was that my kids didn’t like her or her kids. My daughter, who is 18, saw more than I thought. She would see me night after night killing myself by drinking more and more. My high school sweetheart wasn’t doing anything to stop me either. She was right there drinking with me. She, too, was an alcoholic. My relationship with my high school sweetheart got worse and worse. By the end, I was having a lot of problems with her kids and her. I was also pushing my kids away from me. Things got really bad. One evening, my sweetheart was suppose to come over, but she never came. So I decided to go out to her house. I rang the doorbell and her ex-husband answered. He told me that she didn’t want to see me anymore. I turned to walk back to my car and was struck from behind. That’s all I remember. The next thing I remember was waking up in the ER. I had a severe concussion, bruising behind my ear, lacerations, black eyes, neck and back pain and a chipped front tooth. Needless to say, I got beat up bad.
Something happened to me the next couple of days following the beating I took. I wanted to stop drinking. I wanted to live and I needed help. I had no idea where to go. Because of my health and all the time I was off work, I was let go from my job. I didn’t have any health insurance anymore. I couldn’t check myself into a rehab. I had no idea what to do.
The amount of stress, pain and heartache I put on my Mom through was going to kill her. I know she was at her wits end. She had no idea what to do either. She did confide in her sister and brother. Her brother, my uncle, said, “Have Shawn call me.” A couple days went by and I finally called my uncle. He wanted me to come over and talk. So I went over to my uncle’s house a couple of days later. He began to share his testimony with me. I was really moved by what he had shared to me. This is a man who was deeply involved in his church for all of my life and most of his. I thought he never did anything wrong. I always thought that that side of the family looked differently at my brothers and I because my father who raised me was always in trouble with the law and was in and out of jail. I believed that was a reflection of my brothers and I. To me that side of the family didn’t have any problems. They were all very strong Christians. From what my uncle shared with me, I was so far from the truth. A lot of things my uncle shared with me were similar to my own experiences and problems. Towards the end of that afternoon, my uncle asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus into my life and repent my sins. I said yes and something came over me, I started to cry. My uncle and I prayed. He also invited me to his church, Southhills.
Well it’s been four months and I’m clean and sober. I’ve only missed one church service, but the following week I went to church Saturday and Sunday. My life has changed so much in the past fours months. I know that Jesus Christ is my savior. I know he forgives me. I know he died on the cross for my sins and I know he loves me. I was so lost without him. I was looking to alcohol, drugs, and women for the answers. When all along God was always with me and had all of the answers. I had to die twice, lose everything and get beat up before I got it. Now I get it. From the time I wake up, until the time I go to bed, all I think about is God. In my whole life, I’ve never read. Now I am reading the bible everyday and I understand it. I truly believe that I had to go through all I did in my life to have my spiritual blinders removed. I went to a Christian school for nine years. I was confirmed and went to church all of the time, but I never really understood. Now I can open the bible and read a verse and understand it and relate it to my life. I find myself wanting to learn more. I watch a lot of Christian television, I read the bible and a lot of different books on Christianity and life. Recently, I made a decision in my life, I wanted to serve the Lord and share God’s word. I’m going back to school. I plan on going to Bible College. I would love to become a Pastor or open up a Christian rehab center.
With everything I have done in my life, I have always known deep down that I wasn’t doing what I should be doing. I knew there was something I was to be doing. I spent my whole life wondering what it was, but really what I was doing was running from my calling. I believe with my life experiences, I can help share the word of God with people who are out there doing exactly the same thing I was doing. Running.
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